EPIC: The Worst Fic Ever
by Haveyouseenmyghost
Summary: The title says it all. The other day, my friend was telling me what all NOT to put in a fic, so I used them all, and created this farce about MoonBeam, the most Mary-Sue zombie slayer you will ever read about. I'm trying to be funny here, so please review
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: _The idea from this story came from when I just started out on fan fiction, which was actually just a few days ago, and my friend told me all what NOT to do in a story. So, I decided, hell, why not use ALL of them? So, I decided to make the worst fic ever, with the most Mary-Sue character you will ever read about. Yes, in case you did not know this already, this is a farce. And I may try to incorporate some traits from various other well-known Mary-Sue's in here, so keep an eye out.

I do not own Resident Evil, Band-Aid, or any other brands I may mention. Yes, Band-Aid is a brand.

___

MoonBeam's eyes shot open. She had no idea where she was. She looked all around while she stood up. She tried to look down, but she couldn't see her feet, as usual, because her breasts were too big. She was wearing a mini-skirt and a tank top, which showed a tattoo just above her breast of her pet hybrid dragon-unicorn that was back at home. Wherever home was. She was still in Raccoon City, that much she could tell from the tall buildings that surrou8nded her. But this wasn't the Raccoon City she knew. The city she knew was always bustling with activity, Umbrella employees crowding the streets. But right now, the streets were completely void of life, except for MoonBeam, who was standing in the middle of the street with her bright-blue eyes like orbs, reminding anybody looking at her of an eagle soaring overran amethyst lake of shimmering water. MoonBeam's head turned quickly, hearing a moaning noise behind her. It was a zombie!

"T-Virus…"MoonBeam muttered to herself. She knew about the T-Virus because when she was unconscious, she received telekinetic waves from somebody by the name of Chris Redfield. She knew it wasn't just a dream, because telekinetic waves and dreams had a distinct quality to each of them. The zombie approached her with out-stretched arms, hungry for her flesh. MoonBeam just stood there, staring at it without the least trace of fear. When the zombie was only a few feet away, MoonBeam swung her arm around; fist clenched. She hit the zombie in the face, and the force of the blow was so strong that the zombie's head flew straight off of its shoulders and continued on hundreds of yards away at the speed of sound. MoonBeam spat on the zombie's headless body.

"Don't fuck with me." She walked off, headed towards a conveniently placed gun shop.

When she got there, the door was locked. She punched through the glass door, fiddled with the lock inside, and the door opened. She went inside.

When she came back out, she had a shotgun slung over her shoulder, and a Killer7 magnum with pointed bullets that shot out at 100-bullets-per-second in each hand. She tossed her head to one side to get a stray strand of her natural-blond hair out of her face.

"Let's kick some undead ass."

_*Cliché' sci-fi music plays*_

_*Operatic voice says "Flash Back!" in a singsong voice*_

MoonBeam shrieked as something jumped at her. It was just a book falling out of the library's shelf. She sighed and picked it up. "A Beautiful Thing," the cover read. She rolled her eyes, and look up just in time to see a pair of eyes looking at her from the other side of the bookshelf, where the book had been. One of the person's irises were red, while the other one was-well, the other one didn't have an iris, it was just a pupil. The owner of the eyes jerked away from the shelf, and MoonBeam could hear footsteps running off towards the library door. She was used to this king of thing, he being so beautiful that everybody she ever knew, man or woman, had always hit on her. But those eyes…She shook her head and continued looking for a book.

MoonBeam re-entered the present. Sometimes, her mind wandered off to other occurrences, and when this happened, her hair changed from blonde to blue, or sometimes teal. Sometimes people would laugh at her for it, but she was okay with it, because it meant she would never have to dye her hair. She was currently a few city blocks away from where she had woken up. Not quite sure what she was doing, she kept on walking. Then the smell hit her. It was like decaying flesh, perhaps with a slight trace of beer. Then she heard it. It came from all directions at once. A moaning, shuffling sound. She was surrounded. They started coming at her from everywhere. She carefully aimed one of her magnums, and fired, killing five with one shot. The "squish" sound the zombies' brains made as they hit the pavement made her giggle.

"That's gonna take a Band-Aid," she said. She continued shooting, and the zombies never got within a few yards of her. Finally, both gun barrels smoking, there was only one zombie left. It was wearing tight leather pants that squeaked as it walked towards her, a sequin-covered jacket and a pink T-shirt.

"Nice choice of clothes," MoonBeam commented. The zombie stopped in it's tracks, and MoonBeam was about to pull the trigger, when…

"Sop!" the zombie squealed. "You are so hurtful and inconsiderate!" With that, the zombie ran off sobbing. MoonBeam cocked her head to one side and just stood there a moment. Suddenly, the sun came out from behind the clouds for a moment. As the sun hit her skin, she sparkled like diamonds being held up to a lamp. She continued on down the street, and she stopped sparkling as soon as the clouds once again concealed the sun. She sparkled form time to time in the sunlight, but not usually. Sighing, she wondered what would happen next…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own resident Evil

MoonBeam walked through the abandoned streets of Raccoon, her ginormous breasts jiggling with each step. She stopped abruptly. She had picked up the presence of some other living things somewhere a few blocks from here with her telekinetic powers. As she sprinted towards them, her breasts were bouncing up and down, hitting her in the face every time they went up. But MoonBeam ignored the pain and kept on running. Because she's just that good.

When she finally reached them, they shot at her. Luckily, MoonBeam had agility, and she dodged every single bullet.

"Hold your fire!" one of the six armed men shouted. "That's no zombie, that's a sexy woman!" MoonBeam had counted the men as she was dodging bullets. She approached them.

"You've got some moves," one of the men said. "We could really use somebody like you on the team."

"What's happening here?" she asked them.

"Raccoon's been-"

"Wait, don't tell me. Infected by a virus, run down by zombies, and there are BOW's running around."

"How'd you guess?"

"Powers," MoonBeam said as she tapped her forehead. One of the armed men in uniform started laughing. She glared at him, but he laughed even harder. MoonBeam's hair turned purple with hot pink zebra striped. The man kept laughing, but then he started wheezing. He threw something up and passed out. Actually, he died. He had, quite literally, coughed up a lung. The remaining men cheered.

"We didn't like him anyway!"

"Yeah, I was fixing to feed him to the zombies!"

"Hell, I would've eaten him myself to get away from him!"

"Yeah!" everybody agreed.

"Alright everybody. Calm down. We need to get this sexy lady here in uniform, she's coming with us," a man standing in the back said. He pushed his way through the other four men. MoonBeam almost gasped. One of the mans eyes were red, and the other one was as black as Mr. T.

**A/N: And yes, this chapter is short. But I don't care, I'm tired and I've got a shit ton of stories to update. If you want for me to continue, please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil

MoonBeam and the others hadn't gotten very far when they heard some strange roaring sound. It almost sounded like a freight train.

"What the hell is that?" one of the men shouted, covering his ears.

"It's my brother and Ashley, my pet hybrid dragon-unicorn," MoonBeam said matter-of-factly.

"And you know this…how?"

"I just do."

THUMP! A purple lizard-like creature with hoofs, a horn, and a bushy tail landed in front of them and folded its wings.

"There's my brother!" MoonBeam said excitedly. Off of the hybrid's back stepped Chuck Norris. "Where were you?'

"Curing cancer. What's going on here?"

"Not much. Just killing a few zombies." One of the men behind MoonBeam gaped at her brother.

"Chuck Norris? Okay, now this is just getting too Sueish. What is wrong with you people? The author has seriously gone-" BANG! MoonBeam shot him in the head.

"I happen to be an exact replica of the author, who is the best person in the whole wide world. End dey cun spel reel gud."

"I concur," said Chuck Norris.

**A/N :Short, yes. Funny, I don't know, you tell me. Reviews = Continuation**


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